One thing we can not escape is our own death; which is why by surrendering the grieving process for ourselves to someone that loves us, and along the journey to that shared end we inevitably deal with something that we are not meant to understand until we die. That one thing is that those that die before us have touched our lives in every moment that we share oursleves with them even in our thoughts about that person, and no matter how much time we have had to prepare ourselves for that person’s death we can never really be prepared for that eventuality. When someone is a part of your life moment by moment; when you dial a phone number, when you remember to pick up the dress at the cleaners, and when yo expect then to answer the phone, to wear that dress to the graduation or wedding. Instead she wears it for the last time in her coffin, and twenty five years later you still hear her voice, remember her smiling at her grand daughter because she loved her so much.
The only way that we can give that person’s life meaning is to share every aspect of that love no mater how wmall, and what that person has meant to you along with everyone else that you care about. There are those of us; that having shared our lives with someone in every aspect that is within our reach which defines our love for them, and to see them in any kind of pain is something that would hurt us so much that we would rather detach ourselves from that source of emotional pain. We would at times go too such lenths that we would no longer call, and even go out of our way to avoid the idea of; much less make an effort to see the person that makes us feel so helpless each time we see them. Our families just don’t understand why we would stay away at a time like this when that person needs us the most, and the family begins to resent us because of how we have gone out of our way to avoid seeing them in their time of need. This is something that subtly escapes our noticing what has actually happened too us until it is to late, and our relationships begin to deteriorate almost uncontrollably without any sign that we could ever be close again. This also becomes a source of guilt that we never detected; much less know why we can not escape this feeling that we have done something wrong, but we do not know what it was that we did; much less know why we can not stop our world from falling apart right before our eyes.
Most people seem to never get over it because of the constant reminders on Television, places that are associated, family that connects you with that person; sudden sounds of distant sirens, dreams, and sudden thoughts about that person that never seem to escape your conscious being in memories. One day you find yourself taking a shower; when all of a sudden you just start crying uncontrollably, and you have to force yourself to stop crying once you realize why you started crying. How does one deal with having lost someone that you grew up with every day of your life; as you turned to find them there whenever you needed them, and then all of a sudden they have escaped your motal grasp without saying a good bye. The can no longer call you at home to say; I just felt like hearing your voice, I just feel like seeing you, and yo can no longer sit in the kitchen drinking coffee while she cooks breakfast; like you wish this could go on forever. It is moments like these that live on in our memory, and we are able to share the love that you have for them with those that you decide to bring into your life.
There is only so much that our senses can touch within our grasp of our feelings, emotions, and instincts that encompass how we value it in contemplating how it consists of the substance in our world . This determines the overall dynamics of the relationship that you have, and the life that you can create with the unspoken promises of everyone in your own family. We have to live within the boundaries that exist for us to utilize in our moment to moment perception of our world, and be able to expand our horizons with a willingness to embrace the legacy that has been given to us to share with those that reach out to us. It is the substance of your relationship that will inevitably comprise all those hopes, and dreams that no one can ever take away from you that may be all we have to strengthen us at our moment of need to make it through this difficult challenge. This is where only wee can justify that person’s faith in your relationship with them, and trust that only you can give that person’s life meaning in keeping their spirit alive when you share the dynamics of that relationship with those you love. When you have the life that you are building just to survive in order to provide for you own family, and every aspect in the spirit of the love that you have been entrusted with to pass on to your family as you see those characteristics in your children which keeps that person alive in your children.
Each individual takes a different approach to grieving according to the dynamics of the relationship one has with the individual that passed away, and that they have with all the other members of the family which helps everyone process each aspect of their issues accordingly. You look ate everybody at the funeral home wondering why did it have to be them; they never hurt anyone, they were so young, I did not get to say good by, and then you share the burden of this loss as you see each aspect of everyone’s life that they were able to touch. This is what is within the grasp of our senses as we are able to see, feel, and touch by remembering those moments that connect us to then in every aspect of each others life as only we can understand it. Those are the moments that you needed them to be there for yo in as much as you were there for them, and having faith in the trust that has alleviated any doubt that they would be there for you. These are sadly the aspects of our lives that are often times disrupted by other things in our lives that cloud our own judgment, our decisions, and we try to second guess our selves which causes us to miss saying bgood bye; creating that sense of guilt. Don not let this be the call ythat you did not make to talk to your mother, and say “I love you” because it may be the last time you actually hear them say “I just felt like hearing your voice:, or “I miss seeing you”. Do not let this be the reason why your sister has become distant, and you do not know how to forgive her; because now you understand why.
The estate can become an issue that drives the family members further apart as those that can not see beyond the greed that creates a sense of betrayl, and in the emotional abandonment that in some extreme cases leads to the individuals fight over the estate in court or even physically assaulting each other. This is of course an extreme case that has been know to destroy the dynamics of any relationship the family had, and more often than not these family members live to regret that they never spoke each other again.
Guilt is not something that we should dwell on because death can come at any moment for anyone, and unless you intentionally did something to cause that death or any sense of resentment toward you; then you have no reason to feel guilty about it. All you know is that one moment they were there for you to reach out to, and then the next moment they are leaving you with all the unanswered questions you had for them along with any unresolved issues because they are now gone. More often than not you did not get the chance to say good bye, and you start feeling guilty about not taking the time to make that call or go by to see them before they passed away. You are now left with the task of dealing with a loss that becomes a part of your spiritual self that you might not see, and you have to be able to draw from that frame of reference to give you the strength to answer those questions for yourself along with the perspective of all those lives that they had touched. Which means; that you have to try to understand those relationships as they perceived them, and gain a new insight into your own relationship with everyone that they loved also which begins to give your life the control you gained from this balance you now feel.